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| The Hope Tribe True stories of real heroes |
The story of Anonymous
Written by Mallika Bhatia
I was all of 22 when I met him. Our families were friends and it is through them that we met. He was 8 years older to me and worked in a social research project. He was fun to be with, relaxed and a great friend to many. I was doing my Master's at that time. We had started by exchanging a few emails and slowly it turned into meeting occasionally. Our relationship grew organically and within a few months, we were dating. I wasn't looking for something serious and he knew that clearly. I was open about my intentions and feelings from day one. Over the months I started liking him more but I realised that he felt more like a buddy than a romantic partner.
I spoke to him about almost everything including how important it was for me to have my parent's approval when I finally decided to get married. Our age gap was a big enough reason for them to disapprove, if I had chosen to marry him. Yet I knew they were very reasonable people, if they believed that I really loved him, they would have supported me. The issue was never them I guess, the issue were my feelings for him, rather a lack of them. I had always clearly conveyed about our lack of a future to him. While I enjoyed the time I spent with him, I did not see us spending our life together. I liked and respected him and there was no way that I wanted to hurt him ever. Honesty was the best policy for me.
He always said he understood where I was coming from and I needn't worry about anything. He too, did not think of a future and did not believe in the concept of marriage at all. This arrangement suited us both. Still two of my closest friends constantly judged and questioned me every time I said he wasn't really my boyfriend, we were just dating. They had started calling me a fast girl who used boys for her own benefits. Since I had no doubts on my intentions, I continued with my life.
Two years had passed and I had started working now. I realised that my feelings for him hadn't gone any deeper than how they were when we began. I told him that I wanted to move on. I needed more from my life now, more from a relationship. He thought otherwise. He said we shall think about going our separate ways when something changes in my life. If I meet someone else or decide to get married. It worked for me, I must admit that it was very convenient to be with him. I could go out, watch movies, I always had someone to speak to and stepping out at night felt safe too. So with mutual short-term interests, we continued our relationship.
Soon thereafter I started noticing subtle changes in him. He would often comment on how lucky the man I marry would be. 'You are a complete package, they very rarely make women like you anymore. Successful at your work, great with family, passionate about so many things and so good looking.' I always thanked him for these compliments and thought they were mere observations by someone who knew me for so long. Never had I realised that they were not just compliments but an indication of what was going on in his mind. Within a few months, I started noticing that he would know when I would meet a friend or the details of conversations that I had, without me telling him about it. On asking him how he knew, he would casually brush my questions off. I too, did not think too much of it. He was a really nice guy and a trustworthy friend since so many years, I told myself. Soon the slips he made about information on me turned into an unapologetic act from his end. He had started reading all my emails and chats and did not feel the need to hide it from me anymore.
I was ashamed of confronting him initially. It was too embarrassing to question a guy who had been a part of my life for so long. I could not decide it if was fair to draw a line and convey it to him clearly. Slowly though, I had started to get very uncomfortable with the whole thing. His behaviour had changed drastically over the months. He had started questioning my moves and wanted to control my life. After a few months of grappling with feelings such as shame about questioning him, discomfort of being snooped on, fear of hurting him and loosing a friend for life, I gathered enough courage to tell him to stop. I changed my email password.
This made him very anxious. He literally lost it and stared telling me how I had used him for so many years. I was responsible for him falling in love with me so deeply and I did not have a choice now but to be with him. He changed.
I thought it was a huge shock for him, a sudden change, so I decided to be the patient friend that he needed right now. I believed all he needed was time to absorb what I had told him and he deserved my time and patience. In retrospect, that was my biggest mistake. He had interpreted this move as my being so madly in love with him that I could not see him hurt. He started asking me to marry him constantly. I spent hours on the phone explaining how I had never told him that I would be with him. On the contrary I had always made it clear that we did not have a future and he had assured me multiple times in the past that he did not expect a future as well. Somedays he seemed to understand it all and on other days he would threaten to kill himself if I did not marry him. It was becoming very distressing for me as well, the constant manipulation and blame. I slowly stared answering his phone lesser and lesser. He would still send me a lot of text messages and I would reply to just one out of ten.
He then moved on to tell me how ill he had become and how he needed surgery to stay alive. He would send me pictures of his unshaven swollen face and a list of all his symptoms. The doctors reports, the tests he had undergone and about his bleak future. He kept repeating that he would get better if I decided to marry him. I had started to feel bad for him, I had also started to feel guilty about putting him in such a situation. He had convinced me about me using him. I guess if someone repeats a lie a hundred times, it starts feeling like the truth. I had starting partly believing everything he had blamed me for.
I was guilty but I still did not feel any different about him. It became clearer to me everyday that I did not want to be with him. It had been weeks since we met and about 15 days since we spoke. He decided he had had enough and had to do something about it. One day while I was travelling with my colleagues for a presentation that I had to give, I got a few calls from him which I did not answer. When I checked my phone post my half an hour presentation, I had 22 missed calls and numerous messages from him. I panicked and decided to call him back. I was told that he is standing outside my workspace and if I did not meet him immediately then he would come inside and create a scene. I was respected at my workplace, moreover I was an unmarried single woman, I feared such a scene would ruin my future. I left my work hastily and sat in his car. Another stupid mistake I had committed here. I gave power to his threats and showed him my weakness.
As soon as, I sat he gave his gentlest smile and asked me how I was, as if there was nothing abnormal about our meeting. It drove me mad, I demanded him to come to the point and not to pretend that all was well and normal. He suddenly flipped. With a stern face he asked me again if I would marry him and when I said that he already knew the answer, he started driving like a mad man. He wasn't stopping on red lights, he was breaking too late and his speed scared me. He had continued to talk and was basically conveying that he would drive like this till the time I said yes to marrying him. If I still choose to say no then he would simply bang his car into a truck making sure we both die there and then. I had never seen death so closely until this moment. I was scared but I knew I could not show him my fear. I had realised by now that he was a mentally sick man and I had to choose my reactions very carefully. I had now started saying that I needed time to think. He kept repeating his questions, continued with his blame and drove like a maniac. This high voltage drama continued for about twenty long minutes. He then suddenly stopped talking and stopped his car in the middle of one of the busiest roads in my city. He took out about fifty different kinds of tablets and one long and very sharp knife from the dashboard. He told me very calmly that since my answer had not changed, he would drop me off and end his misery by killing himself.
He showed me a piece of paper which he claimed was a suicide note and it clearly stated me responsible for his death. I decided to first focus on the first part of his sentence, he had planned to drop me off. By the time he stopped his car, he had already popped about seven of those pills. I have no idea what they were but the entire experience had shaken me. I walked home in a completely numb state. By the time I started climbing up the stairs of my house, I could feel the blood flowing in each of my veins. I could still feel the heat in my cheeks when I called his brother and narrated the whole incident. He assured me that he will take care of him and I did not have to worry about anything, I just had to focus on myself. Then I called my lawyer friends and found out if I could truly be implicated if he died with such a suicide note. Post which I stood under the shower and cried for what felt like hours.
My life turned into hell from the next day onward.
Those were the days of text messages and the facility to block numbers had not existed. I had started getting 200 missed calls in a day. My phone was always showing a blinking envelope on top indicating a full inbox because he would just keep sending me disturbing messages. My work suffered because no one could ever contact me. My phone always came busy because it was constantly ringing. He had shamelessly started stalking me. Everywhere I went, he was present. Never approaching me but never trying to hide himself. It was as if he wanted me to see who was turning my life into a living hell.
I could not go anywhere, I could not speak to anyone, all I had control over was my email account. Mentally I was a wreck. I felt guilty and scared. I felt responsible and ashamed and reading all his messages made me feel worst about myself everyday. I had no one to share my misery with and literally believed that I deserved no friends. I guess I was living my own version of the Stockholm syndrome. He had not restricted himself to my personal life, he had contacted governmental authorities and made complaints about my work, claiming that I was a fraud. I had police and government officials coming to my home to check upon me. Those months were pure torture at every level. They were very lonely months.
Thankfully those lonely months also gave me a lot of time to introspect. Believe me when I say that loneliness can be a huge boon. Those were the days when I literally got to know myself, the days when I befriended myself and realised the strength I had within me. I started enjoying being alone, I started loving my own company. I felt so complete within myself and realised that I deserved much better. I knew I had to stand up for myself, no one else can. I had a new found self-love and resolve. I decided that next time I saw him stalking me, I would confront him.
The next day when I left my work place I saw him standing outside. Despite my resolve, I turned the other way and started walking. I felt my fear and habit were bigger than my resolve. He decided to walk behind me, something I earlier found very scary. He then called out my name, it was as if he was truly testing me, I turned to him and told him to stop bothering me. He did not listen and tried to hold my hand, that's when my inner goddess emerged and stood in front of him. I told him that if he didn't stop what he has been doing for the past eight months, then I have no choice but to report him to the police. He continued to tell me how sweet I looked and how much he had missed me. I listened but continued to walk, I had a plan in mind. Within five minutes, we were standing in front of a police van. I called them out, reported him for stalking me and got him arrested. I left only after leaving all my contact details and a detailed report of the past year that I had gone through.
I slept peacefully that night after almost a year. Though it still took a few months of working on my self to get over the guilt completely and realise that when a woman says NO, it means a NO.
I share my story today because I know many of us go through such experiences but never talk about them. I know many women feel responsible for men misbehaving with them, we feel that we might have driven him to the edge. We must have done something to deserve it. I want to tell everyone that this is as far from the truth as possible. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, your acts can never be an excuse for someone else's crime.
*** If you feel inspired by this story then don't forget to share it with your friends and family. Subscribe to our blog and follow us on Facebook
I spoke to him about almost everything including how important it was for me to have my parent's approval when I finally decided to get married. Our age gap was a big enough reason for them to disapprove, if I had chosen to marry him. Yet I knew they were very reasonable people, if they believed that I really loved him, they would have supported me. The issue was never them I guess, the issue were my feelings for him, rather a lack of them. I had always clearly conveyed about our lack of a future to him. While I enjoyed the time I spent with him, I did not see us spending our life together. I liked and respected him and there was no way that I wanted to hurt him ever. Honesty was the best policy for me.
He always said he understood where I was coming from and I needn't worry about anything. He too, did not think of a future and did not believe in the concept of marriage at all. This arrangement suited us both. Still two of my closest friends constantly judged and questioned me every time I said he wasn't really my boyfriend, we were just dating. They had started calling me a fast girl who used boys for her own benefits. Since I had no doubts on my intentions, I continued with my life.
Two years had passed and I had started working now. I realised that my feelings for him hadn't gone any deeper than how they were when we began. I told him that I wanted to move on. I needed more from my life now, more from a relationship. He thought otherwise. He said we shall think about going our separate ways when something changes in my life. If I meet someone else or decide to get married. It worked for me, I must admit that it was very convenient to be with him. I could go out, watch movies, I always had someone to speak to and stepping out at night felt safe too. So with mutual short-term interests, we continued our relationship.
Soon thereafter I started noticing subtle changes in him. He would often comment on how lucky the man I marry would be. 'You are a complete package, they very rarely make women like you anymore. Successful at your work, great with family, passionate about so many things and so good looking.' I always thanked him for these compliments and thought they were mere observations by someone who knew me for so long. Never had I realised that they were not just compliments but an indication of what was going on in his mind. Within a few months, I started noticing that he would know when I would meet a friend or the details of conversations that I had, without me telling him about it. On asking him how he knew, he would casually brush my questions off. I too, did not think too much of it. He was a really nice guy and a trustworthy friend since so many years, I told myself. Soon the slips he made about information on me turned into an unapologetic act from his end. He had started reading all my emails and chats and did not feel the need to hide it from me anymore.
I was ashamed of confronting him initially. It was too embarrassing to question a guy who had been a part of my life for so long. I could not decide it if was fair to draw a line and convey it to him clearly. Slowly though, I had started to get very uncomfortable with the whole thing. His behaviour had changed drastically over the months. He had started questioning my moves and wanted to control my life. After a few months of grappling with feelings such as shame about questioning him, discomfort of being snooped on, fear of hurting him and loosing a friend for life, I gathered enough courage to tell him to stop. I changed my email password.
This made him very anxious. He literally lost it and stared telling me how I had used him for so many years. I was responsible for him falling in love with me so deeply and I did not have a choice now but to be with him. He changed.
I thought it was a huge shock for him, a sudden change, so I decided to be the patient friend that he needed right now. I believed all he needed was time to absorb what I had told him and he deserved my time and patience. In retrospect, that was my biggest mistake. He had interpreted this move as my being so madly in love with him that I could not see him hurt. He started asking me to marry him constantly. I spent hours on the phone explaining how I had never told him that I would be with him. On the contrary I had always made it clear that we did not have a future and he had assured me multiple times in the past that he did not expect a future as well. Somedays he seemed to understand it all and on other days he would threaten to kill himself if I did not marry him. It was becoming very distressing for me as well, the constant manipulation and blame. I slowly stared answering his phone lesser and lesser. He would still send me a lot of text messages and I would reply to just one out of ten.
He then moved on to tell me how ill he had become and how he needed surgery to stay alive. He would send me pictures of his unshaven swollen face and a list of all his symptoms. The doctors reports, the tests he had undergone and about his bleak future. He kept repeating that he would get better if I decided to marry him. I had started to feel bad for him, I had also started to feel guilty about putting him in such a situation. He had convinced me about me using him. I guess if someone repeats a lie a hundred times, it starts feeling like the truth. I had starting partly believing everything he had blamed me for.
I was guilty but I still did not feel any different about him. It became clearer to me everyday that I did not want to be with him. It had been weeks since we met and about 15 days since we spoke. He decided he had had enough and had to do something about it. One day while I was travelling with my colleagues for a presentation that I had to give, I got a few calls from him which I did not answer. When I checked my phone post my half an hour presentation, I had 22 missed calls and numerous messages from him. I panicked and decided to call him back. I was told that he is standing outside my workspace and if I did not meet him immediately then he would come inside and create a scene. I was respected at my workplace, moreover I was an unmarried single woman, I feared such a scene would ruin my future. I left my work hastily and sat in his car. Another stupid mistake I had committed here. I gave power to his threats and showed him my weakness.
As soon as, I sat he gave his gentlest smile and asked me how I was, as if there was nothing abnormal about our meeting. It drove me mad, I demanded him to come to the point and not to pretend that all was well and normal. He suddenly flipped. With a stern face he asked me again if I would marry him and when I said that he already knew the answer, he started driving like a mad man. He wasn't stopping on red lights, he was breaking too late and his speed scared me. He had continued to talk and was basically conveying that he would drive like this till the time I said yes to marrying him. If I still choose to say no then he would simply bang his car into a truck making sure we both die there and then. I had never seen death so closely until this moment. I was scared but I knew I could not show him my fear. I had realised by now that he was a mentally sick man and I had to choose my reactions very carefully. I had now started saying that I needed time to think. He kept repeating his questions, continued with his blame and drove like a maniac. This high voltage drama continued for about twenty long minutes. He then suddenly stopped talking and stopped his car in the middle of one of the busiest roads in my city. He took out about fifty different kinds of tablets and one long and very sharp knife from the dashboard. He told me very calmly that since my answer had not changed, he would drop me off and end his misery by killing himself.
He showed me a piece of paper which he claimed was a suicide note and it clearly stated me responsible for his death. I decided to first focus on the first part of his sentence, he had planned to drop me off. By the time he stopped his car, he had already popped about seven of those pills. I have no idea what they were but the entire experience had shaken me. I walked home in a completely numb state. By the time I started climbing up the stairs of my house, I could feel the blood flowing in each of my veins. I could still feel the heat in my cheeks when I called his brother and narrated the whole incident. He assured me that he will take care of him and I did not have to worry about anything, I just had to focus on myself. Then I called my lawyer friends and found out if I could truly be implicated if he died with such a suicide note. Post which I stood under the shower and cried for what felt like hours.
My life turned into hell from the next day onward.
Those were the days of text messages and the facility to block numbers had not existed. I had started getting 200 missed calls in a day. My phone was always showing a blinking envelope on top indicating a full inbox because he would just keep sending me disturbing messages. My work suffered because no one could ever contact me. My phone always came busy because it was constantly ringing. He had shamelessly started stalking me. Everywhere I went, he was present. Never approaching me but never trying to hide himself. It was as if he wanted me to see who was turning my life into a living hell.
I could not go anywhere, I could not speak to anyone, all I had control over was my email account. Mentally I was a wreck. I felt guilty and scared. I felt responsible and ashamed and reading all his messages made me feel worst about myself everyday. I had no one to share my misery with and literally believed that I deserved no friends. I guess I was living my own version of the Stockholm syndrome. He had not restricted himself to my personal life, he had contacted governmental authorities and made complaints about my work, claiming that I was a fraud. I had police and government officials coming to my home to check upon me. Those months were pure torture at every level. They were very lonely months.
Thankfully those lonely months also gave me a lot of time to introspect. Believe me when I say that loneliness can be a huge boon. Those were the days when I literally got to know myself, the days when I befriended myself and realised the strength I had within me. I started enjoying being alone, I started loving my own company. I felt so complete within myself and realised that I deserved much better. I knew I had to stand up for myself, no one else can. I had a new found self-love and resolve. I decided that next time I saw him stalking me, I would confront him.
The next day when I left my work place I saw him standing outside. Despite my resolve, I turned the other way and started walking. I felt my fear and habit were bigger than my resolve. He decided to walk behind me, something I earlier found very scary. He then called out my name, it was as if he was truly testing me, I turned to him and told him to stop bothering me. He did not listen and tried to hold my hand, that's when my inner goddess emerged and stood in front of him. I told him that if he didn't stop what he has been doing for the past eight months, then I have no choice but to report him to the police. He continued to tell me how sweet I looked and how much he had missed me. I listened but continued to walk, I had a plan in mind. Within five minutes, we were standing in front of a police van. I called them out, reported him for stalking me and got him arrested. I left only after leaving all my contact details and a detailed report of the past year that I had gone through.
I slept peacefully that night after almost a year. Though it still took a few months of working on my self to get over the guilt completely and realise that when a woman says NO, it means a NO.
I share my story today because I know many of us go through such experiences but never talk about them. I know many women feel responsible for men misbehaving with them, we feel that we might have driven him to the edge. We must have done something to deserve it. I want to tell everyone that this is as far from the truth as possible. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, your acts can never be an excuse for someone else's crime.
*** If you feel inspired by this story then don't forget to share it with your friends and family. Subscribe to our blog and follow us on Facebook
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