When I unleashed the inner black beauty...

When I unleashed the inner black beauty..

The story of Rashmi Singh (Name changed)

Based in India

Written by Mallika Bhatia

I am the youngest and the fifth amongst my siblings; four sisters and a brother and yet I was always the happiest when I was alone. People always confused me, Neighbours, friends and even my family members made fun of the way I looked, I was too dark for them and hence not beautiful. They often said 'badi hogi toh theek ho jayegi” (She might start looking better/acceptable when she grows up). My sisters were fair skinned and conventionally beautiful. People, including my own father, a well respected, high ranking police officer, would discriminate against me based on my complexion. I remember my father's behaviour towards me always had underlying anger or he simply ignored me. When he paid attention, he would comment on my features and say "at least she has beautiful eyes.”  My mother tried to make it easier for me. She would sympathetically tell me “Always remember that beauty lies in simplicity and you are my Black Beauty.”

Education was always given a lot of value in our house. So much so that everything else, including extracurricular activities were considered a distraction. We had to focus on studies and on getting high scores, everything else was simply not allowed.

Somehow my parents spoke to me almost only about the errors of my siblings. I was always told about their mistakes and warned against repeating them. Their pattern of communication actually pushed me further into the shell that I already lived in. I never asked for anything, never shared my feelings with anyone and started believing that I had to earn things only with hard-work. Unfortunately the lack of emotional support was also a given. I was still an ambitious child with a clear head. I enjoyed school, as I could be who I was amongst my friends. My school was my world.

One fine day though, that was snatched away from me. When I was in the eighth grade I was told by my parents that I couldn't go back to my school. No explanations given, no reasons shared, I was just supposed to be at home. I didn't go to school for a whole month, missing my studies and friends while searching for reasons for this punishment. My mother later told me that there were some issues in the family and there were threats to kidnap me, hence they couldn't risk sending me to school. I did not understand why I was being targeted yet Maa refused to give me any explanations. I did not have the courage to ask them about my friends, my studies and everything that I had left behind. I couldn't tell them that I wanted to meet my friends again or that my world was snatched from me.

Picture by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

Sometime later I was shifted to a school in another smaller town where nothing made sense. Neither did my mental capabilities match to where I was now, nor the social rules. I was too shocked with everything around me. My life had completely changed without my involvement or consent. I wasn't even aware of what had caused the uprooting. All I knew was that someone else was responsible but I was suffering. I felt abandoned and unloved.

My mother, my only partial support in our family had not moved to this new town with me. It was just me, one older sister and my brother. I missed Maa terribly and kept asking myself what my fault was in all this, why did I have to suffer? I wanted my mom and I needed answers. I wanted to know why was I abandoned. I got none of that. I was just told by my extremely strict father that I had to fulfil my responsibility towards the family and do what was good for everyone. Hence I had to adjust in this new setup.

At 13, none of this made sense to me. Why was I abandoned and was still expected to fulfil my roles? What had I done to deserve no love or attention? Did I not deserve any answers? What good of the family were they talking about? Everything about my life had changed overnight. I did not know this town, I did not know the people nor the rules. I felt as if I did not fit-in in the scheme of things of my family so I was just tossed away. I realised that I wasn't loved or valued hence it was OK for everyone to abandon me.

Back then I could have never imagined that this incident would define how I would live my life for a few decades to come. School finished and college began in another town. I lived in a hostel and could slowly breathe again. I could look for my tribe, make friends and find out who I had become. With college came a new sort of excitement in life, I fell in love with a batchmate who cared for me so deeply that he wanted to protect me from the world. Only that the 19 year old me did not realise that defining what I could or could not wear, whom I could talk to and how I could conduct myself wasn't truly protection. I was looking to be loved finally so I did everything he wanted me to, believing that this was what love was all about.

He was overprotective and said that it wasn't me but the world that he didn't trust. I believed him, ignoring all my instincts, which clearly told me not be get into the trap that I had already experienced with my overprotective father and brother. I still did everything he told me to, everything that would make me 'lovable' in his eyes. I made sure everything he said was done the way he liked it. I was there for him all the time, the way he wanted me. Though whenever I really needed him,  he went absconding. Later he would come back and blame me for forcing him to go away. I loved him too deeply and truly felt that I had driven him away. He was also,forced to abandon me because of who I was, just like my family.

Towards the end of my graduation my parents asked me if this  boyfriend of mine would marry me. He said he would and then, yet again he vanished. None of his numbers worked, no friend had his contact details. For months I didn't know where he was, he did not even come back to give the final graduation exams. Yet again someone I loved so deeply abandoned me without an explanation. Maybe I did deserve that.

I finished my graduation and wanted to be independent for once.    I was soon told by my father that women in our household don't work. If I decided to work, then I was never welcome at home again. It was an easy decision for me to make. Even though I deeply craved their love and approval, I knew that I had to pave my own path.

I found a job and started sharing a flat with a few friends from my graduation days. My work slowly helped me get back some of my self-esteem. I had started seeing some value in who I was and what I deserved in life but the journey had just about began when my boyfriend came back yet again. He obviously attacked me emotionally rather than apologising for vanishing. He said that I had put him in a tight spot by asking him to marry me and he had no choice but to run away. I went back to him, after all I believed that he loved me enough to come back for me.

By now he knew that he could make me do anything. The otherwise emotionally abusive relationship now moved to the next level of being physically abusive as well. Somedays I would go to work black and blue. His habit of vanishing had not gone. He would be untraceable for weeks at a time. Slowly the abuse wasn't just behind doors, he would come to my work place and create a scene. He wanted me to leave my job and not interact with other men. He would tell me about the other women he slept with while he was away. He said had to sleep with others to see if it felt wrong to him. According to him coming back to me after every sexual encounter showed how much he loved me. This went on for about two more years before which I decided that enough was enough.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

I changed jobs, changed my address and moved on. I was in a new place but my patterns were following me.  In the next few years I had a series of relationships with men who seemed very decent and calm initially but would abuse me every which way once I was committed to them. Often I would get hit by them which would be followed by them apologizing profusely and adding that they were insecure and didn't want to lose me hence they couldn't control themselves. This mental abuse was something that had started feeling normal to me, like something I had to endure to be loved. Yet there were days when it seemed truly scary and I knew I had to do something about it.

A big city seemed to be the solution in my head. I started looking for work opportunities in other cities and soon moved to a metropolitan. IN this bigger city, I had great professional exposure and truly wanted to improve my overall life. I decided to study while working. I did an MBA. I kept moving up the career ladder yet unfortunately my luck with men hadn't changed. I continued to be in relationships where I had no respect. I would support my men emotionally and financially. I would try to be 'good' and in return I always was left, abused and told that I deserved nothing. I was in my 30s by now and realised that something had to change.

I decided to seek the help of a psychotherapist. That changed my life, she urged me to understand my patterns and change them. The process of therapy truly helped me explore a new side of my life. I started seeing my role in all that was happening around me. Now I knew that I was the common factor in all the relationships. I was making sure that my internal beliefs about being unloved were simply being manifested through all the relationships I had. I had let the men do to me what I believed my family had done to me in my childhood. I was allowing it to happen I had to had to stop  it. I had to stop expecting everyone around me to change. I had to change internally, the onus was completely mine. I started recognising the strength within me that I always had but never saw as everyone made me feel small throughout my life.

I started giving myself credit for always being independent, right from the start of my career. This gave me strength, I had never liked a male dominant environment that unfortunately all the girls in my family had faced. How much we craved for things and activities but were curbed, hence I had decided not to wait for anyone's approval, another decision I was proud of.  Even as a child I had made up my mind to be independent, no matter what. I knew I had to always move forward and no job was too small. I knew it was OK to ask for work when there was none openly available. I kept seeking work and kept growing with it. These were some of the best decisions in my life and acknowledging them really helped my self-esteem.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

I started seeing myself in a brand new light. It was not easy yet I knew this was my chance to turn my life around. I decided no more relationships for me. I had always looked for someone to complete me. It was time that I started to figure out how to feel complete within myself.

I slowly started filling the deep void that existed within me, focussing on learning to love my own self. I explored hobbies which were forbidden in my growing up years. I started doing things for myself, things I had expected the men to do for me. I began to forgive myself for my past, for not standing up for myself enough. I could never say 'no' earlier, which is something I had to learn to change. I stopped punishing myself for being abandoned and realised that in all these years, I too had abandoned myself. Since my childhood I had stopped myself at so many levels. I had avoided doing so many things because I did not want to be a bad example, like my older siblings. There was an ignored and neglected child in me which I had to heal.

Slowly but steadily I kept working on my beliefs and was learning to be happy and content in my life. It had taken years but I was finally happy being me. I was falling in love with who I was everyday. There were struggles and difficult days as well but I had decided to focus on only moving forward. I was now more confident than ever and had figured out that if the center of control lies within us, everything else will fall in its place. My profession was going well. I was exploring as much as I could in all the other aspects too. I enrolled in a variety of courses, decided to get a photo shoot for myself and celebrate how I looked, and even explored the option of starting a parallel profession using my talents. In one such course, I happened to gel with the trainer, who was years younger than me. My rule of no relationships was still intact, which truly helped me explore a deep friendship with him without any romantic expectations. I would talk to him about any and everything.

Photo by Steve Halama on Unsplash

From just the two of us, we slowly grew into a gang of friends and it felt like I finally had a family. Two years down the line, he confessed his love for me. I told him not to ruin the beautiful equation we had. I was scared of losing everything that I had worked so hard on creating. He understood where I was coming from and remained like a rock in my life for the next few years as well. He was respectful of me and accepted me as I was. I had never hidden anything from him because I never felt a need to hide my truth from anyone anymore. He would often tell me that I deserved much more than I had in my relationships, I agreed.

Even though I had started feeling for him too, I wanted to test him before I changed my rules for anyone. I do realise that this is not the way but I was still a work in progress. Getting into a relationship again was giving me the jitters, maybe I wanted to find a reason to not start this relationship at all. I had had no experience of a functional relationship before this.

He was all that a partner should be but I was not sure that I wanted a partner anymore. He had seen who I really was. I had never sugar-coated things, I showed him my anger as and when I felt it. I did not hide my insecurities and he never used them against me. I had slowly let my fear of rejection go and had learnt to say NO. Over the years I had started respecting my journey and what it had made me and finally met a man who respected me for that. It wasn't long before I finally fell deeply in love with him and changed the rule. This time not because a man wanted me to but because I wanted to.

We have been married for six years now. We are each other's best friends and my family members respect him too. My father is no more but when he was alive, he had more conversations with him than he ever had with me, he is clearly a family favorite even though he is a black beauty too. I very proudly give myself the credit for finding such a gem. After all, all my life, I had manifested relationships that fulfilled my patterns and fit my insecurities. Only when I changed internally, did my reality outside change. Today too, I do realise that I am still a work in progress as every human being is, however I realise that we need to recognise our strengths even when we aren't perfect. We need to respect ourselves and transition to the newer versions of us to eventually unleash most of our capabilities.

As I share my story today I want to tell every one of you reading this, value yourself and only then with others value you. Find out your own role in your patterns, explore how are you responsible for them and change them. There is never anyone else to blame, we are the centre of our universes and always create a world and relationships that reflect our internal state. If people aren't treating you right then ask yourself if you are treating yourself right. Learn to say NO and keep spreading hope.



* If you found this story inspiring then don't forget to share, comment, like and subscribe to The Hope Tribe. You can be the instrument of Hope for someone by spreading these inspirational tales. Thanks for reading, Mallika Bhatia, Founder- The Hope Tribe

He is threatening and stalking me! Am I truly responsible?

The Hope Tribe
True stories of real heroes

The story of Anonymous 

Written by Mallika Bhatia 

I was all of 22 when I met him. Our families were friends and it is through them that we met. He was 8 years older to me and worked in a social research project. He was fun to be with, relaxed and a great friend to many. I was doing my Master's at that time. We had started by exchanging a few emails and slowly it turned into meeting occasionally. Our relationship grew organically and within a few months, we were dating. I wasn't looking for something serious and he knew that clearly. I was open about my intentions and feelings from day one. Over the months I started liking him more but I realised that he felt more like a buddy than a romantic partner.

I spoke to him about almost everything including how important it was for me to have my parent's approval when I finally decided to get married. Our age gap was a big enough reason for them to disapprove, if I had chosen to marry him. Yet I knew they were very reasonable people, if they believed that I really loved him, they would have supported me. The issue was never them I guess, the issue were my feelings for him, rather a lack of them. I had always clearly conveyed about our lack of a future to him. While I enjoyed the time I spent with him, I did not see us spending our life together. I liked and respected him and there was no way that I wanted to hurt him ever. Honesty was the best policy for me.

He always said he understood where I was coming from and I needn't worry about anything. He too, did not think of a future and did not believe in the concept of marriage at all. This arrangement suited us both. Still two of my closest friends constantly judged and questioned me every time I said he wasn't really my boyfriend, we were just dating. They had started calling me a fast girl who used boys for her own benefits. Since I had no doubts on my intentions, I continued with my life.

Two years had passed and I had started working now. I realised that my feelings for him hadn't gone any deeper than how they were when we began. I told him that I wanted to move on. I needed more from my life now, more from a relationship. He thought otherwise. He said we shall think about going our separate ways when something changes in my life. If I meet someone else or decide to get married. It worked for me, I must admit that it was very convenient to be with him. I could go out, watch movies, I always had someone to speak to and stepping out at night felt safe too. So with mutual short-term interests, we continued our relationship.

Soon thereafter I started noticing subtle changes in him. He would often comment on how lucky the man I marry would be. 'You are a complete package, they very rarely make women like you anymore. Successful at your work, great with family, passionate about so many things and so good looking.' I always thanked him for these compliments and thought they were mere observations by someone who knew me for so long. Never had I realised that they were not just compliments but an indication of what was going on in his mind. Within a few months, I started noticing that he would know when I would meet a friend or the details of conversations that I had, without me telling him about it. On asking him how he knew, he would casually brush my questions off. I too, did not think too much of it. He was a really nice guy and a trustworthy friend since so many years, I told myself. Soon the slips he made about information on me turned into an unapologetic act from his end. He had started reading all my emails and chats and did not feel the need to hide it from me anymore.

I was ashamed of confronting him initially. It was too embarrassing to question a guy who had been a part of my life for so long. I could not decide it if was fair to draw a line and convey it to him clearly. Slowly though, I had started to get very uncomfortable with the whole thing. His behaviour had changed drastically over the months. He had started questioning my moves and wanted to control my life. After a few months of grappling with feelings such as shame about questioning him, discomfort of being snooped on, fear of hurting him and loosing a friend for life, I gathered enough courage to tell him to stop. I changed my email password.

This made him very anxious. He literally lost it and stared telling me how I had used him for so many years. I was responsible for him falling in love with me so deeply and I did not have a choice now but to be with him. He changed.

I thought it was a huge shock for him, a sudden change, so I decided to be the patient friend that he needed right now. I believed all he needed was time to absorb what I had told him and he deserved my time and patience. In retrospect, that was my biggest mistake. He had interpreted this move as my being so madly in love with him that I could not see him hurt. He started asking me to marry him constantly. I spent hours on the phone explaining how I had never told him that I would be with him. On the contrary I had always made it clear that we did not have a future and he had assured me multiple times in the past that he did not expect a future as well. Somedays he seemed to understand it all and on other days he would threaten to kill himself if I did not marry him. It was becoming very distressing for me as well, the constant manipulation and blame. I slowly stared answering his phone lesser and lesser. He would still send me a lot of text messages and I would reply to just one out of ten.

He then moved on to tell me how ill he had become and how he needed surgery to stay alive. He would send me pictures of his unshaven swollen face and a list of all his symptoms. The doctors reports, the tests he had undergone and about his bleak future. He kept repeating that he would get better if I decided to marry him. I had started to feel bad for him, I had also started to feel guilty about putting him in such a situation. He had convinced me about me using him. I guess if someone repeats a lie a hundred times, it starts feeling like the truth. I had starting partly believing everything he had blamed me for.

I was guilty but I still did not feel any different about him. It became clearer to me everyday that I did not want to be with him. It had been weeks since we met and about 15 days since we spoke. He decided he had had enough and had to do something about it. One day while I was travelling with my colleagues for a presentation that I had to give, I got a few calls from him which I did not answer. When I checked my phone post my half an hour presentation, I had 22 missed calls and numerous messages from him. I panicked and decided to call him back. I was told that he is standing outside my workspace and if I did not meet him immediately then he would come inside and create a scene. I was respected at my workplace, moreover I was an unmarried single woman, I feared such a scene would ruin my future. I left my work hastily and sat in his car. Another stupid mistake I had committed here. I gave power to his threats and showed him my weakness.

As soon as, I sat he gave his gentlest smile and asked me how I was, as if there was nothing abnormal about our meeting. It drove me mad, I demanded him to come to the point and not to pretend that all was well and normal. He suddenly flipped. With a stern face he asked me again if I would marry him and when I said that he already knew the answer, he started driving like a mad man. He wasn't stopping on red lights, he was breaking too late and his speed scared me. He had continued to talk and was basically conveying that he would drive like this till the time I said yes to marrying him. If I still choose to say no then he would simply bang his car into a truck making sure we both die there and then. I had never seen death so closely until this moment. I was scared but I knew I could not show him my fear. I had realised by now that he was a mentally sick man and I had to choose my reactions very carefully. I had now started saying that I needed time to think. He kept repeating his questions, continued with his blame and drove like a maniac. This high voltage drama continued for about twenty long minutes. He then suddenly stopped talking and stopped his car in the middle of one of the busiest roads in my city. He took out about fifty different kinds of tablets and one long and very sharp knife from the dashboard. He told me very calmly that since my answer had not changed, he would drop me off and end his misery by killing himself.

He showed me a piece of paper which he claimed was a suicide note and it clearly stated me responsible for his death. I decided to first focus on the first part of his sentence, he had planned to drop me off. By the time he stopped his car, he had already popped about seven of those pills. I have no idea what they were but the entire experience had shaken me. I walked home in a completely numb state. By the time I started climbing up the stairs of my house, I could feel the blood flowing in each of my veins. I could still feel the heat in my cheeks when I called his brother and narrated the whole incident. He assured me that he will take care of him and I did not have to worry about anything, I just had to focus on myself. Then I called my lawyer friends and found out if I could truly be implicated if he died with such a suicide note. Post which I stood under the shower and cried for what felt like hours.

My life turned into hell from the next day onward.

Those were the days of text messages and the facility to block numbers had not existed. I had started getting 200 missed calls in a day. My phone was always showing a blinking envelope on top indicating a full inbox because he would just keep sending me disturbing messages. My work suffered because no one could ever contact me. My phone always came busy because it was constantly ringing. He had shamelessly started stalking me. Everywhere I went, he was present. Never approaching me but never trying to hide himself. It was as if he wanted me to see who was turning my life into a living hell.

I could not go anywhere, I could not speak to anyone, all I had control over was my email account. Mentally I was a wreck. I felt guilty and scared. I felt responsible and ashamed and reading all his messages made me feel worst about myself everyday. I had no one to share my misery with and literally believed that I deserved no friends. I guess I was living my own version of the Stockholm syndrome. He had not restricted himself to my personal life, he had contacted governmental authorities and made complaints about my work, claiming that I was a fraud. I had police and government officials coming to my home to check upon me. Those months were pure torture at every level. They were very lonely months.

Thankfully those lonely months also gave me a lot of time to introspect. Believe me when I say that loneliness can be a huge boon. Those were the days when I literally got to know myself, the days when I befriended myself and realised the strength I had within me. I started enjoying being alone, I started loving my own company. I felt so complete within myself and realised that I deserved much better. I knew I had to stand up for myself, no one else can. I had a new found self-love and resolve. I decided that next time I saw him stalking me, I would confront him.

The next day when I left my work place I saw him standing outside. Despite my resolve, I turned the other way and started walking. I felt my fear and habit were bigger than my resolve. He decided to walk behind me, something I earlier found very scary. He then called out my name, it was as if he was truly testing me, I turned to him and told him to stop bothering me. He did not listen and tried to hold my hand, that's when my inner goddess emerged and stood in front of him. I told him that if he didn't stop what he has been doing for the past eight months, then I have no choice but to report him to the police. He continued to tell me how sweet I looked and how much he had missed me. I listened but continued to walk, I had a plan in mind. Within five minutes, we were standing in front of a police van. I called them out, reported him for stalking me and got him arrested. I left only after leaving all my contact details and a detailed report of the past year that I had gone through.

I slept peacefully that night after almost a year. Though it still took a few months of working on my self to get over the guilt completely and realise that when a woman says NO, it means a NO.

I share my story today because I know many of us go through such experiences but never talk about them. I know many women feel responsible for men misbehaving with them, we feel that we might have driven him to the edge. We must have done something to deserve it. I want to tell everyone that this is as far from the truth as possible. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, your acts can never be an excuse for someone else's crime.



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